the past week or so has definitely solidified for me that i don't want another kid. at least not for a LONG time. i know everyone touts, "you'll miss these days when your kids are all grown up..." but i think that's a load of shit. the days i'll miss are the ones where i feel loved by my children. there are one or two of those here and there. but mostly, i feel used. my two little girls have mastered disobeying, disrespecting, and throwing major tantrums when they don't get what they want. and listening? definitely not. it is so hard to have day in and day out where my children ask me for this and beg me for that and whine about this and then, when i try and snuggle, kiss, or love on them, tell me to leave them alone, give them space, or simply shriek at me to let them go. very comforting as a mother. makes me want to spend more time with them, for sure, right?
i am having a very hard....month, i suppose. and with steve so often gone at basketball, i feel alone. my friends are all going on family vacations and trips and taking their kids to the park and water features and amusement parks. i am sitting on my ass at home while my husband is at yet another weekend tourney. or practice. or had such a hard week at work that all he wants to do is sit on his butt at home.
so, are these the days i'm going to miss? no. not one iota. i'll miss (and already do) the days when my children snuggle up to me and tell me they love me. i won't miss the nights where they can't figure out how to stay in their bed and sleep through the night and wake up fussing and crying and back talking and whining. definitely not those nights. not the days where i get whiplash from my two year old talking sweetly to me one second and then yelling at me the next.
i feel awful, but i wish i had more days away from my kids. i feel suffocated. i need more breaks. spending all day, every day with these girls treating me like this is really wearing me thin. and when daddy gets home? oh, they are all lovey on him. they want special daddy dates. they want daddy home. makes me feel like shit. but hell, i want daddy home too, so i guess it's par for the course. and when do my girls want me? at nap time. at bed time. whenever i am trying to get a minute of peace to keep myself from screaming. so then i feel even more like a crappy parent because all i want is to be left alone at that point. i wish i had more time to myself so that i could come back and actually MISS my children. and maybe even have them miss ME.
so, are we going to have another kid? nope. not likely. so can i please stop seeing pictures of cute babies everywhere! and now i have to go tell my youngest to stop crying and get back in her bed and take her nap.
