dear god

i give up, lord. i'm a failure. i must not be relying on you enough. so please, PLEASE, help me. help me hold my tongue unless it is something positive. help me turn and vent to you and no one else. help me be positive and encouraging. help me be encouraged. give me strength and patience. help my words be edifying to others and motivational rather than draining. help me lose this negativity and depression. please lord, lift me up. i truly believe that only you can. carry me please. i trust in you.

to sleep, perchance to dream.

well, i don't know how much more my body can take of such crappy sleep and a fussy toddler. my milk supply is seeming to slow down. ashlan hasn't been latching very well during nursing, so i've started pumping and bottle feeding her to make sure that she is getting enough at each feeding. she will pull off the entire time during breast feeding, but when i give her the bottle, she finishes it in just about one fell swoop. so i don't know what to do about that. and i don't know how to relax to get my milk to come in while i'm trying to pump when emma always seems to tick me off at that very time. i've been able to get 3-4 oz in the morning and second feeding, but after that it seems to go down to 2-3 oz...and sometimes 3 is stretching it.

ideally, i'd like to just breast feed. so simple. but ashlan just isn't making it very easy. and i'm scared she wont get enough milk if i keep that up. so i guess i will try to pump and bottle feed. i can already hear my pediatrician now..."breast feeding is the best for the baby" and then something to make me feel stupid about my decision and thought process behind it.

i wish i could just get better sleep. emma is STILL waking up several times at night. and i've been so good about trying to let her get herself back to sleep since we've been back from christmas in california. but it's been over a week now, and though she was getting better, she is back to worse. and yes, she does have a cold...AGAIN...so i know that plays into it. but i am just so sick of having to worry about two kids who don't sleep well. ashlan was doing so well and on her way to sleeping through the night i though. but now she is back to being funky. she isn't getting back to sleep well. and then, of course, i am worried letting her cry will wake emma up. i feel stuck and i don't know what to do.

and i had a relative call me out on calling emma a 'hellion' (after emma was in bed and not around) to describe how she can be sometimes. i will say whatever i want about my kid. i love my girl and love on my girl like crazy. she is a loving child and you can obviously tell she is loved and well cared for. but, i'm sorry, she can act like a little terror sometimes. and if i can't express how i feel about how tough she can be to handle sometimes then i really WILL go crazy myself. i feel like no one understands what i am going through. i feel like i am the only one who experiences emma fully. and then it makes me think i am doing something wrong as a mother if she is acting this way for me.

i need sleep. i am such an emotional wreck. i am driving steve crazy with my emotional outbursts and i don't want to hurt our marriage. but i need sleep. and he doesn't seem to get that it's not the number of hours. it's CONSECUTIVE hours. and i'm just not getting enough. he wants to be supportive and asks me to tell him how he can help. but he works and coaches and hardly has a weekend at all. i hardly see him enough as it is. and i know he works hard. so i feel bad asking more of him. but then i get frustrated because i do want him to do more and give me a break. he gets a break from his job. i don't. he gets to go and do something he loves outside of the home. i don't.

i feel like i'm going crazy. and my whole body is feeling it.

a work in progress

okay, i am going to try and start doing my best to watch what i say. i seem to have a tendency to say things that hurt people's feelings. i can have a harsh tone and when i tend to say what's on my mind, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

i'm not very good at interacting with people, it seems. spending all day, almost every day at home with two small children doesn't help much. and with a toddler, saying "no" and responding quickly to negative behavior doesn't help my censorship much. i've always worn my feelings on my sleeve. it is not hard to tell how or what i am feeling or thinking. but lately it has brought me some problems.

i have come to the point where i am inclined to just keep my mouth shut around people. or go one step farther and just not spend time with people. i don't like leaving somewhere wondering if i said something to upset someone. but that is who i've become. i've been told one too many times that i say hurtful things and now i feel like a bad person. and i know that i can come across harsh at times too. so when people say i've upset them at things that i didn't even expect, then i just think maybe i should stop talking altogether.

i am always worried that something i said or did will have bothered someone and that they are secretly upset with me. and then i occasionally get letters that confirm that very thing.

so i am trying to monitor what comes out of my mouth. it is rather tough given i'm a 'say what you mean' kind of person. but it seems that if i want to have and keep friends, this is what i must work on.

so for all of you out there to whom i have said something upsetting...please forgive me. and i can sure as heck guarantee you that it will not be the last time i do it. though i am working on it.

i am, as they say, a work in progress.

i want to win!!

MckMama is having a giveaway and I WANT TO WIN!!!

ooooh, i never win stuff, but if i were to be the luckiest woman in the world, this is the one i would want to win. my beloved laptop just died on me and i am currently using my husbands great find from craigslist from a guy who builds them himself. needless to say, it's pretty slow and wonky. so a brand new gorgeous computer would be just AMAZING!!!

*sigh*

i am crossing just about everything that i can cross in hopes of winning. yes, even my eyes. *ouch*

lord forgive me

i want to get rid of my dogs. bad. worse than that, i have, on occasion, had thoughts of harming them. i just can't handle two dogs and two kids and a house and being a good wife. i don't think i'm that woman.

i'd hate hearing emma call for the dogs if we ever did get rid of them. i'd feel so guilty.

but i want them gone. at least one. i'm going crazy.

i definitely need a punching/kick bag if they are to stay around. so that they do not become it.

i feel like such a bad person. but it's the truth.

a love poem for my girls

Kewpie Mine

I love knee and elbow dimples,
Wrist and ankle wrinkles,
Neck folds and Buddha-belly rolls
Pudgy double chins
And wide gummy grins,
Teeny tiny toes
And that cute button nose,
Precious sweet sighs
And even fitful cries,
Your squishy little buns,
The hairs on your head?
Every one.
Darling little baby girl,
My love. My world.

11/6/09

no fussing allowed

can i just say,

i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming!

not only does it wrench at my gut when my babies are crying, but it also drives me insane. i get all anxious and frustrated and helpless. now having two babies that tend to like to schedule their fussy fits together, i am finding myself on the brink of needing to be placed in a bright white jacket with sleeves far too long for the normal population.

and with emma sick, her fussing is at an all time high. well, almost all time...a few months ago was the super cranky, fussy, whiny, make-my-life-a-living-nightmare stage. but now it is coupled with not wanting to take her naps. and, rightly so, given she can't breathe very well through her red, raw, teeny nose. but still, i love her old nap schedule. i need her old nap schedule. this 'one 1-2hr nap' just doesn't give me time to both nap and/or shower and get stuff done. please tell me it is just a phase that will get back to normal once she feels better. that and her waking up in the middle of the night. we get on such a nice run of sleeping through the night and then seem to regress. i am hoping again that it is just the sickness messing her up.

i wish i had a 'mute' button on my hearing. i would love to just turn off (or at least way down) the fussing. i just don't like how it makes my heart speed up and gets me all anxious and crazy. i think it is the total downside of being an empath. and it is intensified as it is my children.

so, now that my eldest has stopped crying and actually seems to have gone down for a nap (though my youngest is now picking up where her sister left off), i am going to try and take a nap. yes, i know...i am attempting the impossible. wish me luck.