"mommy obey"

well, emma wasn't following that mantra today, that's for sure. i went through such an aggravating battle with her about putting her toys away today. she was in time out three times and then "big" time out in her crib twice and STILL she wouldn't put her toys away. so i packed them all up in the basket and put them up on the counter. i am SO VERY TEMPTED to just throw them all away. i am soooo frustrated right now. i hate it when she knows what i want her to do and yet WILLFULLY defies me. it really pisses me off. but yes, i know she is just a toddler and that is part of her learning curve. but it still irks me to the bone. i would love to just get rid of all the toys at this point (especially the ones with many, many small parts) and just make her read or play make-believe all day long.

everything has been SO much better with her lately, but still these moments inevitably come. and they pass too. but in the moment i just want to kick and scream and throw my own little tantrum! now how productive would that be? not very.

so for now the toys are up on the counter top and at least i don't have to worry about them all over the floor. and i may just have to concede defeat on this one.

30 rock(s)

i have officially crossed into the threshold of another decade. no longer in my youthful 20s, i now find myself an official adult. i am determined to make my 30s glorious and wonderful. i am blessed with so many things. i have wonderful parents and a great brother. i have an amazing husband and in-law family. i have the two most gorgeous and precious baby girls any mother could dream of. we have a beautiful home and i am in great health. what more could i ask for?

i only pray that god will continue to help me develop into the person he sees in me. i know i have much more to learn and hopefully i do it gracefully. there are many things i plan and hope to improve upon in my 30s. i expect to encompass the phrase 'new and improved'.

so here's to my 20s: many of you were crazy, many of you are less than clear, but the best of you are filled with the best events of my life and for that you will always be remembered fondly. thank you for teaching me so much, dear 20s. and with that, i bid you adieu.

dogs, dogs, go away.

i want to get rid of my dogs. yet AGAIN they woke emma up from her nap WAY too early. and why? because our neighbor girl was in her yard with the cat. i absolutely can't stand them. i seriously think i dislike them more than i like them. yes, i would be sad if they were gone in a way. but i also think my life would be SO much less stressful.

dear god, please help.

dear god

i give up, lord. i'm a failure. i must not be relying on you enough. so please, PLEASE, help me. help me hold my tongue unless it is something positive. help me turn and vent to you and no one else. help me be positive and encouraging. help me be encouraged. give me strength and patience. help my words be edifying to others and motivational rather than draining. help me lose this negativity and depression. please lord, lift me up. i truly believe that only you can. carry me please. i trust in you.

to sleep, perchance to dream.

well, i don't know how much more my body can take of such crappy sleep and a fussy toddler. my milk supply is seeming to slow down. ashlan hasn't been latching very well during nursing, so i've started pumping and bottle feeding her to make sure that she is getting enough at each feeding. she will pull off the entire time during breast feeding, but when i give her the bottle, she finishes it in just about one fell swoop. so i don't know what to do about that. and i don't know how to relax to get my milk to come in while i'm trying to pump when emma always seems to tick me off at that very time. i've been able to get 3-4 oz in the morning and second feeding, but after that it seems to go down to 2-3 oz...and sometimes 3 is stretching it.

ideally, i'd like to just breast feed. so simple. but ashlan just isn't making it very easy. and i'm scared she wont get enough milk if i keep that up. so i guess i will try to pump and bottle feed. i can already hear my pediatrician now..."breast feeding is the best for the baby" and then something to make me feel stupid about my decision and thought process behind it.

i wish i could just get better sleep. emma is STILL waking up several times at night. and i've been so good about trying to let her get herself back to sleep since we've been back from christmas in california. but it's been over a week now, and though she was getting better, she is back to worse. and yes, she does have a cold...AGAIN...so i know that plays into it. but i am just so sick of having to worry about two kids who don't sleep well. ashlan was doing so well and on her way to sleeping through the night i though. but now she is back to being funky. she isn't getting back to sleep well. and then, of course, i am worried letting her cry will wake emma up. i feel stuck and i don't know what to do.

and i had a relative call me out on calling emma a 'hellion' (after emma was in bed and not around) to describe how she can be sometimes. i will say whatever i want about my kid. i love my girl and love on my girl like crazy. she is a loving child and you can obviously tell she is loved and well cared for. but, i'm sorry, she can act like a little terror sometimes. and if i can't express how i feel about how tough she can be to handle sometimes then i really WILL go crazy myself. i feel like no one understands what i am going through. i feel like i am the only one who experiences emma fully. and then it makes me think i am doing something wrong as a mother if she is acting this way for me.

i need sleep. i am such an emotional wreck. i am driving steve crazy with my emotional outbursts and i don't want to hurt our marriage. but i need sleep. and he doesn't seem to get that it's not the number of hours. it's CONSECUTIVE hours. and i'm just not getting enough. he wants to be supportive and asks me to tell him how he can help. but he works and coaches and hardly has a weekend at all. i hardly see him enough as it is. and i know he works hard. so i feel bad asking more of him. but then i get frustrated because i do want him to do more and give me a break. he gets a break from his job. i don't. he gets to go and do something he loves outside of the home. i don't.

i feel like i'm going crazy. and my whole body is feeling it.

a work in progress

okay, i am going to try and start doing my best to watch what i say. i seem to have a tendency to say things that hurt people's feelings. i can have a harsh tone and when i tend to say what's on my mind, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

i'm not very good at interacting with people, it seems. spending all day, almost every day at home with two small children doesn't help much. and with a toddler, saying "no" and responding quickly to negative behavior doesn't help my censorship much. i've always worn my feelings on my sleeve. it is not hard to tell how or what i am feeling or thinking. but lately it has brought me some problems.

i have come to the point where i am inclined to just keep my mouth shut around people. or go one step farther and just not spend time with people. i don't like leaving somewhere wondering if i said something to upset someone. but that is who i've become. i've been told one too many times that i say hurtful things and now i feel like a bad person. and i know that i can come across harsh at times too. so when people say i've upset them at things that i didn't even expect, then i just think maybe i should stop talking altogether.

i am always worried that something i said or did will have bothered someone and that they are secretly upset with me. and then i occasionally get letters that confirm that very thing.

so i am trying to monitor what comes out of my mouth. it is rather tough given i'm a 'say what you mean' kind of person. but it seems that if i want to have and keep friends, this is what i must work on.

so for all of you out there to whom i have said something upsetting...please forgive me. and i can sure as heck guarantee you that it will not be the last time i do it. though i am working on it.

i am, as they say, a work in progress.

i want to win!!

MckMama is having a giveaway and I WANT TO WIN!!!

ooooh, i never win stuff, but if i were to be the luckiest woman in the world, this is the one i would want to win. my beloved laptop just died on me and i am currently using my husbands great find from craigslist from a guy who builds them himself. needless to say, it's pretty slow and wonky. so a brand new gorgeous computer would be just AMAZING!!!

*sigh*

i am crossing just about everything that i can cross in hopes of winning. yes, even my eyes. *ouch*