lord forgive me

i want to get rid of my dogs. bad. worse than that, i have, on occasion, had thoughts of harming them. i just can't handle two dogs and two kids and a house and being a good wife. i don't think i'm that woman.

i'd hate hearing emma call for the dogs if we ever did get rid of them. i'd feel so guilty.

but i want them gone. at least one. i'm going crazy.

i definitely need a punching/kick bag if they are to stay around. so that they do not become it.

i feel like such a bad person. but it's the truth.

a love poem for my girls

Kewpie Mine

I love knee and elbow dimples,
Wrist and ankle wrinkles,
Neck folds and Buddha-belly rolls
Pudgy double chins
And wide gummy grins,
Teeny tiny toes
And that cute button nose,
Precious sweet sighs
And even fitful cries,
Your squishy little buns,
The hairs on your head?
Every one.
Darling little baby girl,
My love. My world.

11/6/09

no fussing allowed

can i just say,

i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming!

not only does it wrench at my gut when my babies are crying, but it also drives me insane. i get all anxious and frustrated and helpless. now having two babies that tend to like to schedule their fussy fits together, i am finding myself on the brink of needing to be placed in a bright white jacket with sleeves far too long for the normal population.

and with emma sick, her fussing is at an all time high. well, almost all time...a few months ago was the super cranky, fussy, whiny, make-my-life-a-living-nightmare stage. but now it is coupled with not wanting to take her naps. and, rightly so, given she can't breathe very well through her red, raw, teeny nose. but still, i love her old nap schedule. i need her old nap schedule. this 'one 1-2hr nap' just doesn't give me time to both nap and/or shower and get stuff done. please tell me it is just a phase that will get back to normal once she feels better. that and her waking up in the middle of the night. we get on such a nice run of sleeping through the night and then seem to regress. i am hoping again that it is just the sickness messing her up.

i wish i had a 'mute' button on my hearing. i would love to just turn off (or at least way down) the fussing. i just don't like how it makes my heart speed up and gets me all anxious and crazy. i think it is the total downside of being an empath. and it is intensified as it is my children.

so, now that my eldest has stopped crying and actually seems to have gone down for a nap (though my youngest is now picking up where her sister left off), i am going to try and take a nap. yes, i know...i am attempting the impossible. wish me luck.

ashlan

we welcomed our newest little angel into our family on the 18th of september. i learned a valuable lesson that while being prepared for the desired outcome is a good thing, being even more prepared to have things go completely differently is even better. my little tumbleweed decided that she wanted to do a 180 turn and come out in the fashion of her mother...carried out. as in, "you want me to come out of WHAT? i'm not squeezing my beautiful head through THAT!" so my girl was born by c-section and i got to experience a whole new kind of birth story.

all in all, she came out perfect and beautiful and in her own style. while resembling her sister at times, she definitely has her own look. and that look in one word is stunning. i love my girl.

welcome to the world and to our family ashlan avery.

the artwork

so, i finished the artwork for the baby room today. i stayed up way too late last night getting the paint on the canvas and cutting the fabric birds out. then today i cut the felt backings for the birds and wings and sewed them together. then i glued them on the canvas and sprayed it all with a gloss finish. i am pretty pleased with how they turned out. and i love that it matches the fabric throughout the room.









the felt backing on the birds really brought out a dimension to the whole thing. i've always been a 3D kind of gal. i probably should hang them all closer together, since they sort of extend off one another, but i'll worry about that later. for now i'm just thrilled i'm DONE!!

you want me to push a WHAT out of me?

Weeks 37-Delivery (Month 9): Watermelon

At week 37, your pregnancy is considered full term, meaning baby is likely to thrive after birth. Baby spends these last weeks in preparation for the outside world… meaning careful refinement of the blink, suck, inhale and exhale. Meconium, which you’ll probably find in the first diaper, is accumulating in the intestines. If (okay, as) you worry about giving birth, consider what it’s like for the little one. During the journey out of your womb, baby will produce more stress hormones than any other time in life.
~

well, let me just tell you something...it does feel like a little melon is in my belly at times. particularly a melon that likes to kick down at my bladder at the most inconvenient times (wait...is there ever a convenient time?) making me have to rush to the bathroom only to squeeze out about two drops of pee.

i sure have loved this pregnancy. i've loved both of my experiences. i do feel smaller this time around which has been nice. my movement has been a bit better, i'm not taking 5 minutes to roll over in the bed at night, and this little belly has served as a nice bench seat for emma during the 18 hours out of the day she wants to be held.

i am in the final days down to having my beautiful little baby girl #2. i can't wait to meet her. it was such a special experience the first time around. i just can't wait to hopefully be even more present to this birth, now knowing a bit more about what to expect. i also hope all the arrangements to have emma looked after come beautifully into place. and finally, i hope that this baby does like her big sister and wait until nana gets here to make her presence into this world a reality. in fact, 5 days early was just wonderful for me the first time around...i'm good with that again.

let's just hope that life with two babies is a nice and smooth transition. i know it will come with it's trials, but i have learned that i need to improve upon my stress-handling capabilities. shoot, is that what god is doing to me? throwing me smack-dab in the middle of a stress ball situation and saying, "here, you said you wanted to learn to manage stress better. voila." well, he never gives us more than we can handle, right? RIGHT? HELLO????

oy. i need a nap.

"nubee's" room

over the last few months i have been preparing for the upcoming arrival of our little baby girl. now, our first daughter's room i decorated in pinks and browns. this time around i wanted to do it a little different. the room happened to already be a light purple, so i decided to go with a purple, brown, and green theme. however, i couldn't find any bedding i loved...or if i did, it was the super expensive type. so i decided i would try and make the bedding and decor for the room. mind you, i have never...i repeat, NEVER done anything like this before. i am a major novice when it comes to sewing. but, i am pretty pleased with how everything has and is turning out. i still have a few more things to finish up (like the artwork for the walls), but otherwise, i am pretty much done with the sewing components.

without further ado, here is the room!

voila!




the bumper, dust ruffle (didn't make the sheet); curtain (don't mind the clutter on the sill); pillow in the crib; bird mobile (more below)



bird mobile inspired by an idea i found at homemade by jill. i like my birds a little more squatty, so i altered the pattern a bit. i'm happy with how they turned out.



the blanket on the chair didn't turn out quite like i would have liked, but oh well. it has a green with small brown dot pattern on the opposite of the minky...it's also on the other side of the pillows. oddly, i didn't take a picture of that fabric anywhere. i put some trim matching the bumper fabric and then a satin ribbon like the bumper ties on the base of the lamp shade to tie it in. and then another close up of the fabrics i used. my favorite was the amy butler fabric i used for the dust ruffle, curtain, and blanket trim. and a little picture of the closet in progress. all i did there was add a curtain rod. big whoopie. ;)

now i am just hoping to get some things hung and finish the artwork before it's too late. and i am waiting to do her name art until after she is born. i'd hate to order something and then decide on a different name.

i am so excited to meet my new little girl!!