a work in progress

okay, i am going to try and start doing my best to watch what i say. i seem to have a tendency to say things that hurt people's feelings. i can have a harsh tone and when i tend to say what's on my mind, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

i'm not very good at interacting with people, it seems. spending all day, almost every day at home with two small children doesn't help much. and with a toddler, saying "no" and responding quickly to negative behavior doesn't help my censorship much. i've always worn my feelings on my sleeve. it is not hard to tell how or what i am feeling or thinking. but lately it has brought me some problems.

i have come to the point where i am inclined to just keep my mouth shut around people. or go one step farther and just not spend time with people. i don't like leaving somewhere wondering if i said something to upset someone. but that is who i've become. i've been told one too many times that i say hurtful things and now i feel like a bad person. and i know that i can come across harsh at times too. so when people say i've upset them at things that i didn't even expect, then i just think maybe i should stop talking altogether.

i am always worried that something i said or did will have bothered someone and that they are secretly upset with me. and then i occasionally get letters that confirm that very thing.

so i am trying to monitor what comes out of my mouth. it is rather tough given i'm a 'say what you mean' kind of person. but it seems that if i want to have and keep friends, this is what i must work on.

so for all of you out there to whom i have said something upsetting...please forgive me. and i can sure as heck guarantee you that it will not be the last time i do it. though i am working on it.

i am, as they say, a work in progress.

i want to win!!

MckMama is having a giveaway and I WANT TO WIN!!!

ooooh, i never win stuff, but if i were to be the luckiest woman in the world, this is the one i would want to win. my beloved laptop just died on me and i am currently using my husbands great find from craigslist from a guy who builds them himself. needless to say, it's pretty slow and wonky. so a brand new gorgeous computer would be just AMAZING!!!

*sigh*

i am crossing just about everything that i can cross in hopes of winning. yes, even my eyes. *ouch*

lord forgive me

i want to get rid of my dogs. bad. worse than that, i have, on occasion, had thoughts of harming them. i just can't handle two dogs and two kids and a house and being a good wife. i don't think i'm that woman.

i'd hate hearing emma call for the dogs if we ever did get rid of them. i'd feel so guilty.

but i want them gone. at least one. i'm going crazy.

i definitely need a punching/kick bag if they are to stay around. so that they do not become it.

i feel like such a bad person. but it's the truth.

a love poem for my girls

Kewpie Mine

I love knee and elbow dimples,
Wrist and ankle wrinkles,
Neck folds and Buddha-belly rolls
Pudgy double chins
And wide gummy grins,
Teeny tiny toes
And that cute button nose,
Precious sweet sighs
And even fitful cries,
Your squishy little buns,
The hairs on your head?
Every one.
Darling little baby girl,
My love. My world.

11/6/09

no fussing allowed

can i just say,

i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming!

not only does it wrench at my gut when my babies are crying, but it also drives me insane. i get all anxious and frustrated and helpless. now having two babies that tend to like to schedule their fussy fits together, i am finding myself on the brink of needing to be placed in a bright white jacket with sleeves far too long for the normal population.

and with emma sick, her fussing is at an all time high. well, almost all time...a few months ago was the super cranky, fussy, whiny, make-my-life-a-living-nightmare stage. but now it is coupled with not wanting to take her naps. and, rightly so, given she can't breathe very well through her red, raw, teeny nose. but still, i love her old nap schedule. i need her old nap schedule. this 'one 1-2hr nap' just doesn't give me time to both nap and/or shower and get stuff done. please tell me it is just a phase that will get back to normal once she feels better. that and her waking up in the middle of the night. we get on such a nice run of sleeping through the night and then seem to regress. i am hoping again that it is just the sickness messing her up.

i wish i had a 'mute' button on my hearing. i would love to just turn off (or at least way down) the fussing. i just don't like how it makes my heart speed up and gets me all anxious and crazy. i think it is the total downside of being an empath. and it is intensified as it is my children.

so, now that my eldest has stopped crying and actually seems to have gone down for a nap (though my youngest is now picking up where her sister left off), i am going to try and take a nap. yes, i know...i am attempting the impossible. wish me luck.

ashlan

we welcomed our newest little angel into our family on the 18th of september. i learned a valuable lesson that while being prepared for the desired outcome is a good thing, being even more prepared to have things go completely differently is even better. my little tumbleweed decided that she wanted to do a 180 turn and come out in the fashion of her mother...carried out. as in, "you want me to come out of WHAT? i'm not squeezing my beautiful head through THAT!" so my girl was born by c-section and i got to experience a whole new kind of birth story.

all in all, she came out perfect and beautiful and in her own style. while resembling her sister at times, she definitely has her own look. and that look in one word is stunning. i love my girl.

welcome to the world and to our family ashlan avery.

the artwork

so, i finished the artwork for the baby room today. i stayed up way too late last night getting the paint on the canvas and cutting the fabric birds out. then today i cut the felt backings for the birds and wings and sewed them together. then i glued them on the canvas and sprayed it all with a gloss finish. i am pretty pleased with how they turned out. and i love that it matches the fabric throughout the room.









the felt backing on the birds really brought out a dimension to the whole thing. i've always been a 3D kind of gal. i probably should hang them all closer together, since they sort of extend off one another, but i'll worry about that later. for now i'm just thrilled i'm DONE!!