my squirming little eggplant...

Let your spouse put an ear to your belly -- he might be able to pick up baby's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving baby a healthy pink glow. Baby's also soaking up your antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and baby will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.
~

i can't believe i'm already into month six. time has sure been flying by. i still move swiftly between anxiety and excitement about adding another member to our family. some days i think i can do it, and that the pure joy of a new little teeny, tiny baby will make it all perfect. then other days i look at my screaming little toddler and wonder what the heck i've gotten myself into. but i'm sure once our little angel baby is here all will melt away and i will be washed in the pure bliss of being a mother of two.

...and i think that bliss would be a whole lot more guaranteed if i could get rid of these two dogs of mine. but then, i digress.

i am hoping that all my little projects for the nursery turn out well and that i will be able to walk into her room with pride rather than seeing all the mistakes. we will see just how well i do with correcting all of them. steve is determined to make the crib work and doesn't want to sell it. he did point out a slight trend i seem to have.... i'm sick of the dogs and want to get rid of them. i can't get what i need for the crib and want to get rid of it. let's hope this trend stops with non-humans only...

working against me

well, i feel like i've been given blow after blow with my nursery room projects. i am just about to the point of giving up.

the craigslist crib we bought is pretty much impossible to re-stain. it needs a dye-stain which is hard to find, too toxic to use ourselves, and too expensive to buy anyway.

i screwed up the curtain. i still haven't gotten up the guts to try and finish it with the pathetic attempts i've been making at fixing it.

i screwed up the blanket. the 'fix-it' i came up with is WAY beyond my skill level, apparently.

i know there were some errors on the dust ruffle, but i have yet to see just how it fits given the crib is in above-said disastrous condition and still in parts.

the crib bumpers seem to be coming along fine so far. a little more squished than i had intended, but they look fine. and the pillows came out great. so those are my only shining stars right about now.

i feel like all i am doing is wasting the money i was trying to save us. and my pregnancy hormones are not helping right now. what was i thinking getting into this?!

cheap is not always easy...

so that wonderful wife in me that thought being thrifty and getting a crib off of craigslist would both save us money and make my hubby happy just fell flat on the floor.

the crib was in good condition, save the front railing, which had been teethed on to death. but 'all we needed to do' was sand it down and re-stain it with the espresso finish, right? wrong.

turns out i need a dye stain to get it to be as dark as the factory applied color on the kind of wood it is on. i've found one place that has dye stain, but he doesn't recommend it for a crib, given it's more for industrial/kitchen sort of stuff and pretty intense. plus, he makes large batches and it would cost us over $80. and no one has plain old wood stain that would match or be dark enough once applied.

so i tried calling the factory through the number found on the manufacturer's website. um...no answer, no machine, rang until it disconnected me i was waiting so long. crap.

so now i just want to sell the darn thing (hopefully at least get what we paid for it back) and get a new crib. which will bypass my entire original intentions of saving us money. and time. and hassle.

i am so not cut out for craigslist purchases. i am a buy-it-new-and-pretty kind of gal. i have had a couple successes with small craigslist purchases, but i think the failures sure outweigh the wins for me. at least this one does.

*sigh* what will the hubby have to say about all this? oh yeah, he's out of town for the whole weekend. great. i'll just stew in it.

screaming bloody murder...

the joys of a toddler. i have a little hellion angel who insists on screaming...or shrieking at the top of her lungs on numerous occasions throughout the day. i have been trying to do the 'ignore it' tactic, but i don't think it's working so well. i've tried to get her to tell me what she wants (using her sign language), and while that works, i still think it's giving attention to the screaming. it doesn't help that she's been cutting molar after molar the last month or so either.

and her behavior around her friends is really stressing me out. i feel like a helicopter parent, hovering around her making sure she isn't overly aggressive or causing another kid problems. she's all about the love...it's just really, really intense love. and it's worse if she's tired or teething. she grabs hold of the kid, pulls them really close and gives an open mouth...uh, kiss? i guess? it looks like she'll bite down (and does occasionally, i think) with the kiss. i've been working on 'gentle' with her forEVER now, showing her what it looks like, having her demonstrate, correcting when she does the aggressive stuff. but even though it may work briefly, she will inevitably go back to the psycho emma stuff. i don't want my daughter to be the girl no one wants around. even though she's doing all of it out of love and not anger, it's still upsetting to the other kids. please, please, PLEASE grow out of it, baby girl!!!

i feel like i'm at a strange place in my parenting. i have no clue what i'm doing and am so afraid i am unknowingly reinforcing or even (god forbid) teaching these behaviors in other circumstances that she is applying elsewhere. i just don't know how to change all of this!! i try so hard to correct and re-direct her. but what if i'm missing some key to this issue that could solve all of my woes?!

<---enter censorship chip here

i feel like, perhaps, i am in need of some sort of self-censor device. i don't know what happened, or when it happened that i became a mean person; but somehow it seems like that is what i am. at least sometimes. it is a bit confusing sometimes when one day i'm told how loving and generous and wonderful i am, but another day told how rude and inconsiderate i am. i'm starting to feel like i'm the latter.

i've always been a bit of an open book. whatever emotion i am experiencing, it is pretty much visible to anyone within a 5 mile radius. i'm just not good at faking it. and the idea of lying to appease someone has never appealed to me either. for example: saying, "oooh, i just LOVE it" to a meal/gift/whatever, when you really don't, means that they might make it/give it/whatever to you again. now, i'm not saying that i would flat out say i don't like it; but i'm sure my face is having trouble showing anything but my true feelings.

i am not good with new experiences that are out of my comfort zone, being cordial around people i don't like, sucking it up and getting over it. i'd rather stay home than do something that i'm not going to enjoy. especially since i seem to have no ability to mask how i am feeling about how horrible i think whatever we are doing is.

so, i am wondering what the true motivation behind that all is. maybe i am being selfish. maybe i'm just rationalizing my rudeness behavior by saying that i'm saving them time and money if i tell them the truth. yep, i guess that's it. i'm a selfish bitch.

and how embarrassing it is to have someone point out how 'rude' i'm being simply by some expression i have on my face. makes me just want to go home, crawl in bed, and cry. and never go out and see anyone again so that i don't either insult someone or embarrass someone i am with.

maybe i need to schedule myself a lobotomy and in turn become a perma-smile, sweet-as-cheesecake sort of person who never has a bad thought about anyone or anything ever. anyone have any good doctor recommendations?