i feel like, perhaps, i am in need of some sort of self-censor device. i don't know what happened, or when it happened that i became a mean person; but somehow it seems like that is what i am. at least sometimes. it is a bit confusing sometimes when one day i'm told how loving and generous and wonderful i am, but another day told how rude and inconsiderate i am. i'm starting to feel like i'm the latter.
i've always been a bit of an open book. whatever emotion i am experiencing, it is pretty much visible to anyone within a 5 mile radius. i'm just not good at faking it. and the idea of lying to appease someone has never appealed to me either. for example: saying, "oooh, i just LOVE it" to a meal/gift/whatever, when you really don't, means that they might make it/give it/whatever to you again. now, i'm not saying that i would flat out say i don't like it; but i'm sure my face is having trouble showing anything but my true feelings.
i am not good with new experiences that are out of my comfort zone, being cordial around people i don't like, sucking it up and getting over it. i'd rather stay home than do something that i'm not going to enjoy. especially since i seem to have no ability to mask how i am feeling about how horrible i think whatever we are doing is.
so, i am wondering what the true motivation behind that all is. maybe i am being selfish. maybe i'm just rationalizing my
and how embarrassing it is to have someone point out how 'rude' i'm being simply by some expression i have on my face. makes me just want to go home, crawl in bed, and cry. and never go out and see anyone again so that i don't either insult someone or embarrass someone i am with.
maybe i need to schedule myself a lobotomy and in turn become a perma-smile, sweet-as-cheesecake sort of person who never has a bad thought about anyone or anything ever. anyone have any good doctor recommendations?
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