today my inspiration comes from a quote that i have had hanging in my kitchen for a while. i have forgotten to look at it apparently. and i mean REALLY look at it.
better keep yourself clean and bright. you are the window through which you must see the world.
-george bernard shaw
i had originally put the quote up as an inspiration to keep my home cleaner. but today, i see so much more in that quote. how clean are MY windows? you know, the windows that are all over me...my eyes? my posture? my mouth and words? my thoughts? have i been keeping those windows bright and clean?
lately, i think the answer is a very sad, "no." i have such a blessed life. i have a husband who loves and cherishes me. i have two AMAZING children, who are SO intelligent and SO loving. i have a beautiful home. and i have even been able to start developing some friendships with some great ladies i met through my eldest's preschool. so why am i not looking out a clear and shiny window? why has my perspective been cast in dirt and grime?
i've had some low self-esteem issues throughout my life. and while i know i am an intelligent, strong, caring person; i still have doubts that i know what i am doing half the time. am i a good wife? a good mother? have the decisions i've made in my life been the "right" ones? and that tendency toward insecurity tends to weed in doubts.
my girls are your average two-and-a-half and four year olds. they love each other. they fight. they cause chaos in the living room that i just tidied up for the umpteenth time. they fight. and after day in and day out (oh, did i mention that i am BLESSED to stay home with my girls?!) of the roller-coaster ride that is ANY sibling relationship at this age, especially with two girls so close in age, i find myself questioning if i am teaching them well enough. if i am a good enough mother. if, perhaps, it is all beyond my abilities.
i forget to look at the fact that my girls are two of the most loving, caring, affectionate girls on the planet. they show each other love. they show my husband and me love. heck, they show friends who would rather be left some space just how much they love them! i think it is safe to say that my girls are getting what they need.
and yet, i struggle some days. rather than see that my girls want to crawl in bed with me at night as evidence that they feel safe there, i think that i have done something drastically wrong in teaching my children to sleep at night! i have always been a rather private person when it comes to my personal space. i like (and truly need) my "me" time. but somehow rather than seeing the blessings, i find myself focusing on the dirt. the scum on my window. and, pretty soon, i don't even realize that i've let the dirt build up. and what comes out of my mouth, my body language, my thoughts are coated in filth. why would anyone want to be around that? what would you think if you were at a house with dirt covered windows?
and, if i'm not careful, it can turn into a negative spiral. proof that i don't know what i'm doing. the negativity simply reenforcing that i am not a good enough person. that dang insecurity!
but this morning i looked at that quote on my wall. and i read it differently. it isn't just about taking care of one's surroundings. heck, it isn't about bathing regularly either. it is about keeping my whole being: my body, my soul, my mind, clean and bright. i need to look at the blessings in my life! when my children fight and argue, but can't stand to be away from each other (no matter how many times they demand, "space!"), i need to see that my girls LOVE each other! they are simply still learning how to communicate their needs and express their feelings for one another. when they won't give me a moment's peace....it is because they love me and want my attention and affection.
i need to cast off the dirt. stop focusing on the negative. it can come up so subtly sometimes! oh, i'm just venting and commiserating...NO MORE! all i am doing is trying to clean my windows with a dirty cloth. perhaps it is good to chat with other moms about things so that you can see certain stages are normal. but i need to focus on the blessings in my life. i've said this before to myself...and perhaps may have to remind myself a time or two more. but today i will look out a bright and clean window!
Lord knows i have a good view!
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