merely pretty

i wanted to put this down in my blog so that someday, when my girls are a bit older, i can share it with them. what a beautiful message about how much stock we can put in such an insignificant word. my daughters will know that they will never be merely pretty.

katie makkai: "pretty" defined

on becoming...

i am discovering that even in my 30's now, i am still such a work in progress. not that i thought any differently, but it is just strange to know that personality stuff i have dealt with forever is still going strong.

i wish i knew the secret to changing things about my personality. i wish i could just *not* be a particular way any more. but, i suppose, with 30 years of practice, it will take a bit more than a waive of a magic wand to change.

at the church sermon last week, the message was surrendering to god. i think this is definitely an area where i need to surrender myself and let god work in me. i have always had my insecurities and their manifestations in various parts of my life. i think, at 30, it is time to be more confident and self assured.

treasured

i made my first etsy.com treasury last night. i don't even have my own shop, but i just love the site. i couldn't get to sleep, so i decided to browse, and browse...and browse through etsy until i came up with an idea for a treasury. what else....BEES!!

it was so much fun to look for things to put together a treasury. i liked working with a theme, though it did make it a bit tougher. i don't really have the connections to make it very popular, but a girl can dream of ending up on the cover page, right?

if you want to check it out, please do so! and feel free to click on all the individual pictures too!

the art of beeing

i think i may just have to come up with another one soon. this was so fun!!

sleepless

sometimes i dislike my life more than others. when both of my girls are up screaming their heads off, keeping each other awake....i find myself not so thrilled with things.

heavenly chocolate butterscotch chip cookies

the other week i decided to make some home made cookies. i found a recipe that sounded good and i was off and baking! i had some remaining butterscotch chips that i thought would make a nice addition to the chocolate chip cookies. the result?

AH.MAZE.ING.

the recipe ended up making somewhere around 54 cookies. um. wow. i didn't really notice that when i began the process. see, i rarely bake. so coming out with so many cookies was crazy. but we sure did go through them!!

i repeated the process just a few days ago, minus the butterscotch chips, and, i must say, these cookies are just so fricken good!

*drool*

why hello, my old friend.

aaah, now i remember why i liked breast feeding so much. yes, yes, i loved the bonding experience and the closeness and the intimacy. i loved the look of my baby girl nestled in close and latched on to my body. i loved the vulnerability the whole experience was about. but that is not what i am talking about here.

friends, i will forever miss the absence of a (not so) good old friend. yes, that's right. old aunt flo. i forgot just how wonderful it was to have her out of my life for the last 17 or so months. you know how they say you don't realize what you have till it's gone? well, lets just say i didn't appreciate what i didn't have till it came roaring back into my life.

the lower back pain. the aches. the desire to detach the entire lower middle portion of my body from the rest of me. [sarcasm]oh, how i am so thrilled to have you back[/sarcasm] .

yes, i was looking forward to the ever so slight independence that would return with the separation of boob and babe. but oh, how i forgot about the ball and chain that would then attach itself firmly to my girlish nether-regions. that monthly dues collector...paid in, well, you know.

i will miss the beautiful communion of nursing. but i will be ever reminded of what i gave up. once each month, for approximately two weeks...from first ache to final drop, i will mourn the end of that stage in raising my children...the day the milk dried.

and they were singin' bye, bye my lactation device. froze my booby's cold white jucies till my boobies went dry. them good ol' babes drinkin' milk cuz they cried, singin' this'll be the day my boobs dried.

Book Review: Hand of Fate by Lis Wiehl

Hand of Fate is the second installment by author Lis Wiehl chronicling the lives of three friends linked by their connections to law enforcement as they solve the murder of controversial radio talk show host, Jim Fate. FBI Special Agent Nicole Hedges, Federal Prosecutor Allison Pierce, and crime reporter Cassidy Shaw are the Triple Threat Club; friends who share a passion for seeing justice done. When Fate receives death threats, he calls on Cassidy to enlist the aid of Nicole and Allison to help investigate the threats. As fate would have it, their help came too late. With Fate murdered by an unknown poisonous gas, it falls on these three women to try and make sense of the murder and discover, in the sea of suspects, how close the killer really is. While trying to determine if the murder was committed by one of the hundreds of disgruntled listeners or someone much closer to Fate, each of the Triple Threat members also tackle issues such as domestic violence, illegal immigration, drug addiction and rape.

While I enjoyed Wiehl’s first novel in the Triple Threat series, Face of Betrayal, I cannot say the same about Hand of Fate. Hand of Fate was painstakingly slow and filled with far too many sub-plots. Through Wiehl’s excess in scene description of the chaos in downtown Portland surrounding Fate’s murder and sub-plots that detracted from the central story line, I found myself quickly losing interest in the novel. Additionally, the character development of the three main women began to feel a little forced, as though Wiehl was trying to address as many issues facing women today as possible.

I am a fan of multiple story lines and plot twists, however I felt the writing was much better in Wiehl’s first novel. I found Hand of Fate rather predictable and was rather irritated by the obvious conclusion. Perhaps the ladies were too blinded by the onslaught of personal issues consuming each of them. Also, having read the first novel, I found that it is completely redundant for those who have read Face of Betrayal. While trying to make Hand of Fate stand on it’s own, the relatively verbatim descriptions throughout the book left me with déjà vu and wanting to skip ahead.

Overall, Hand of Fate was a disappointment. Had this book been a bit more focused with fewer sub-plots and issues for the characters to overcome, it may have kept my interest.

Thank you to Thomas Nelson Publishers for the complimentary copy of Hand of Fate (A Triple Threat Novel).

can i be done with it yet?!

i keep wanting to post my review of the book i read from booksneeze.com. i tried posting it a few days back, but then noticed that i couldn't post it, per their request, till a later date. well, i thought today was that date. so i posted it again. upon trying to finish the process up, i noticed that it is tomorrow that i can post it. so delete once again i did! aaah. let's just hope that amazon.com waits until tomorrow to post the review i submitted!!! i can't wait to be done with this review! lol

banana-rama

mmmm....i've had the cooking bug in me the last week or so. i decided the other day to try out this delicious sounding recipe for banana bread from (who else?) the pioneer woman. she used a bundt pan, which i don't have; so i made one loaf and 12 muffins. worked great!! i personally liked the muffins better. they were very light and fluffy. but the bread turned out wonderful too! yummmmmmmy!

baby mine

(left-me, right-ashlan)i don't think anyone can say that this little cutie is not flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood.

cute kid contest

i SO want to enter my girls into the the cute kid contest! i registered and found a couple pictures and uploaded them and then find out it's $19.95 or so for each entry! :( and yes, i am biased, but i definitely think my girls have a chance at something like this. but i highly doubt i could talk steve into a $40 entry fee each month i want to enter them.

so, here is the work i went to to find a good picture of the girls. it is so hard picking one that i think shows their personality and cuteness, but here is what i chose.

at least they will be featured here, in my rarely viewed blog. talent agents, take note. :)

must. get.

SLEEP!

i would love to figure out what i do on the days ashlan sleeps through the night. these nights adding up where she is up all night is just taxing me to the edge of all reason. i feel snappy and short and unable to tolerate just about anything. i truly need some sleep!

i decided i am going to attempt to keep a log of ashlan's schedule for the day until i figure out what works. if, in fact, there is anything that is contributing to her sleeping through the night. heck, maybe she just got so worn out from a couple nights of being up all night and crashed on the third. but there was a time she was more consistently sleeping through. so there MUST be something to it.

and by God, i WILL find it. sleep WILL be mine!!!

final letter

i have been corresponding with a representative from HealthCheck Systems regarding a purchase i made through them. there was some slight damage and I was hoping to get a small refund. the gal offered to replace the pieces damaged. after about ten emails back and forth trying to explain to her the pieces that were damaged and sending what photos i could, i have given up. she kept saying she was confused as to the damaged "piece", even though i explained SEVERAL times that there was small damage to SEVERAL of the pieces. she finally said that i should contact the manufacturer directly and see if they can figure me out and help since she couldn't seem to understand which "piece" i needed replaced. this was my final email to her.

~

Jennifer,

Two pictures were of the same chip and two were of two additional parts with damage. And again, in the last picture, it was difficult to get the camera to focus at an angle close enough to show the dent in the wood. This appears to be a bit more complicated than I ever expected and it seems as though you are only offering to replace ONE of the damaged pieces. Therefore, that seems to be the source for your confusion since I have indicated that there are five separate pieces with damage. And I have listed each piece several times in my emails. I don't see how I can be much clearer on the matter. You have thus succeeded in wearing me down into submission. I no longer seem to care about having the items replaced, as it has been more frustrating than I ever imagined. So, well done. I will just think twice before ordering from your company again.

~

i am so sick of "customer service". blech.

at least the item is still fully functional and looks pretty. the damage really was minor. i was just annoyed at paying more than i would have liked for a slightly damaged product and wanted a little refund. that's it. all that fuss for that! for nothing apparently.

wasted

waste of money.

waste of gas.

waste of time.

waste of energy.

why didn't i just stay home?

*breathe*

why does it seem like the fit hits the shan every time steve leaves? the very day he leaves, the dogs decide it would be a good idea to dig a hole by our back fence and bust a post and escape. it seemed to happen while (or shortly after) i was taking steve back to work so his car would be left at home while he was gone. i had no clue the dogs were even gone till i happened to see a couple boys walking a boston and...hey, wait...a black pug right outside my front door at about 4pm. apparently they had been out since around one. :\ i guess i was just enjoying the quiet. i also bit my tongue and didn't tell the boys that maybe they wouldn't try to dig into their property if they stopped harassing my dogs and kicking balls at the fence and running along it taunting them. no, i did not say that. though i wanted to.

and then this morning i find that the dogs pissed in their crate. on the doggie bed that steve wanted to put into the crate. and the inner filling is partly ripped, so cedar crap came out all over the place as i was trying to get the cover off to wash it. and i don't even think i can wash the inner part given the cedar filling. so i'll probably have to toss it. fabulous. and that's not to mention the pee from their paws that's all over my carpet and kitchen floor from letting them out this morning before i saw that there was pee in the crate. *insert expletive*

so now i am counting down the minutes till the girls are down for their nap so i can finish cleaning stuff up. and i am just praying the vacuum doesn't wake emma, cuz it's just gotta happen.

and this is just the first official day without my husband. wonderful.

onto a lighter note....ashlan is on the verge of rolling over from her back to front! woo hoo! i am hoping it will be soon. i can't wait to see her accomplish it! heck, if she doesn't do it soon, i doubt she will at all....she's sitting up and i imagine will soon just want to sit and crawl and get-er-movin'!

and i've started her on formula after her nursing sessions. she's been increasingly fussier after feedings and seemingly not satisfied. though i would think 4 oz would be good for her, it just doesn't seem that way. and my supply goes down after the afternoon, so i imagine that doesn't help. while she was at the in-laws, they ended up feeding her both 4 oz packs i gave them for her in about one hour. so i figured maybe i would try and supplement. i opted for the formula before the cereal for some reason. so far so good. she seems to have adjusted to the awful smelling stuff pretty well, so that's a plus! :)

and on a oh-holy-crap-my-daughter-is-growing-up-too-fast note...emma just opened our child stair gate all by herself and then proclaimed, "yay, emma did it!" um...most adults can't seem to figure that thing out (it's a slide the thumb thing back and hold while lifting up and swinging gate open kind). great. lol

valentine's day gift

i decided to get crafty for this valentine's day gift for my husband. i saw an adorable craft idea at u create featuring a craft from naptimejournal. i just loved it and so decided to give it a go!

here's what turned out:







it has his favorite snacks in it. i told him to take it to work so he had some snacks on hand. he said it was his favorite valentine's gift ever. :) and i also scored points with his co-workers as being an amazing wife. double bonus!

aaaaand, i want one!!

oh, how i love giveaways. not that i've ever won one. but i love them nonetheless!

and now i am dying to winthis! over at mckmama's giveaway page!

ooooh....*crosses fingers*!

all about the giveaways!

i love giveaways! i hope to someday win. right now i am hoping for one of the lovely necklaces from kristen's custom creations featured on good, true, & beautiful! :) take a look!

"mommy obey"

well, emma wasn't following that mantra today, that's for sure. i went through such an aggravating battle with her about putting her toys away today. she was in time out three times and then "big" time out in her crib twice and STILL she wouldn't put her toys away. so i packed them all up in the basket and put them up on the counter. i am SO VERY TEMPTED to just throw them all away. i am soooo frustrated right now. i hate it when she knows what i want her to do and yet WILLFULLY defies me. it really pisses me off. but yes, i know she is just a toddler and that is part of her learning curve. but it still irks me to the bone. i would love to just get rid of all the toys at this point (especially the ones with many, many small parts) and just make her read or play make-believe all day long.

everything has been SO much better with her lately, but still these moments inevitably come. and they pass too. but in the moment i just want to kick and scream and throw my own little tantrum! now how productive would that be? not very.

so for now the toys are up on the counter top and at least i don't have to worry about them all over the floor. and i may just have to concede defeat on this one.

30 rock(s)

i have officially crossed into the threshold of another decade. no longer in my youthful 20s, i now find myself an official adult. i am determined to make my 30s glorious and wonderful. i am blessed with so many things. i have wonderful parents and a great brother. i have an amazing husband and in-law family. i have the two most gorgeous and precious baby girls any mother could dream of. we have a beautiful home and i am in great health. what more could i ask for?

i only pray that god will continue to help me develop into the person he sees in me. i know i have much more to learn and hopefully i do it gracefully. there are many things i plan and hope to improve upon in my 30s. i expect to encompass the phrase 'new and improved'.

so here's to my 20s: many of you were crazy, many of you are less than clear, but the best of you are filled with the best events of my life and for that you will always be remembered fondly. thank you for teaching me so much, dear 20s. and with that, i bid you adieu.

dogs, dogs, go away.

i want to get rid of my dogs. yet AGAIN they woke emma up from her nap WAY too early. and why? because our neighbor girl was in her yard with the cat. i absolutely can't stand them. i seriously think i dislike them more than i like them. yes, i would be sad if they were gone in a way. but i also think my life would be SO much less stressful.

dear god, please help.

dear god

i give up, lord. i'm a failure. i must not be relying on you enough. so please, PLEASE, help me. help me hold my tongue unless it is something positive. help me turn and vent to you and no one else. help me be positive and encouraging. help me be encouraged. give me strength and patience. help my words be edifying to others and motivational rather than draining. help me lose this negativity and depression. please lord, lift me up. i truly believe that only you can. carry me please. i trust in you.

to sleep, perchance to dream.

well, i don't know how much more my body can take of such crappy sleep and a fussy toddler. my milk supply is seeming to slow down. ashlan hasn't been latching very well during nursing, so i've started pumping and bottle feeding her to make sure that she is getting enough at each feeding. she will pull off the entire time during breast feeding, but when i give her the bottle, she finishes it in just about one fell swoop. so i don't know what to do about that. and i don't know how to relax to get my milk to come in while i'm trying to pump when emma always seems to tick me off at that very time. i've been able to get 3-4 oz in the morning and second feeding, but after that it seems to go down to 2-3 oz...and sometimes 3 is stretching it.

ideally, i'd like to just breast feed. so simple. but ashlan just isn't making it very easy. and i'm scared she wont get enough milk if i keep that up. so i guess i will try to pump and bottle feed. i can already hear my pediatrician now..."breast feeding is the best for the baby" and then something to make me feel stupid about my decision and thought process behind it.

i wish i could just get better sleep. emma is STILL waking up several times at night. and i've been so good about trying to let her get herself back to sleep since we've been back from christmas in california. but it's been over a week now, and though she was getting better, she is back to worse. and yes, she does have a cold...AGAIN...so i know that plays into it. but i am just so sick of having to worry about two kids who don't sleep well. ashlan was doing so well and on her way to sleeping through the night i though. but now she is back to being funky. she isn't getting back to sleep well. and then, of course, i am worried letting her cry will wake emma up. i feel stuck and i don't know what to do.

and i had a relative call me out on calling emma a 'hellion' (after emma was in bed and not around) to describe how she can be sometimes. i will say whatever i want about my kid. i love my girl and love on my girl like crazy. she is a loving child and you can obviously tell she is loved and well cared for. but, i'm sorry, she can act like a little terror sometimes. and if i can't express how i feel about how tough she can be to handle sometimes then i really WILL go crazy myself. i feel like no one understands what i am going through. i feel like i am the only one who experiences emma fully. and then it makes me think i am doing something wrong as a mother if she is acting this way for me.

i need sleep. i am such an emotional wreck. i am driving steve crazy with my emotional outbursts and i don't want to hurt our marriage. but i need sleep. and he doesn't seem to get that it's not the number of hours. it's CONSECUTIVE hours. and i'm just not getting enough. he wants to be supportive and asks me to tell him how he can help. but he works and coaches and hardly has a weekend at all. i hardly see him enough as it is. and i know he works hard. so i feel bad asking more of him. but then i get frustrated because i do want him to do more and give me a break. he gets a break from his job. i don't. he gets to go and do something he loves outside of the home. i don't.

i feel like i'm going crazy. and my whole body is feeling it.