to sleep, perchance to dream.

well, i don't know how much more my body can take of such crappy sleep and a fussy toddler. my milk supply is seeming to slow down. ashlan hasn't been latching very well during nursing, so i've started pumping and bottle feeding her to make sure that she is getting enough at each feeding. she will pull off the entire time during breast feeding, but when i give her the bottle, she finishes it in just about one fell swoop. so i don't know what to do about that. and i don't know how to relax to get my milk to come in while i'm trying to pump when emma always seems to tick me off at that very time. i've been able to get 3-4 oz in the morning and second feeding, but after that it seems to go down to 2-3 oz...and sometimes 3 is stretching it.

ideally, i'd like to just breast feed. so simple. but ashlan just isn't making it very easy. and i'm scared she wont get enough milk if i keep that up. so i guess i will try to pump and bottle feed. i can already hear my pediatrician now..."breast feeding is the best for the baby" and then something to make me feel stupid about my decision and thought process behind it.

i wish i could just get better sleep. emma is STILL waking up several times at night. and i've been so good about trying to let her get herself back to sleep since we've been back from christmas in california. but it's been over a week now, and though she was getting better, she is back to worse. and yes, she does have a cold...AGAIN...so i know that plays into it. but i am just so sick of having to worry about two kids who don't sleep well. ashlan was doing so well and on her way to sleeping through the night i though. but now she is back to being funky. she isn't getting back to sleep well. and then, of course, i am worried letting her cry will wake emma up. i feel stuck and i don't know what to do.

and i had a relative call me out on calling emma a 'hellion' (after emma was in bed and not around) to describe how she can be sometimes. i will say whatever i want about my kid. i love my girl and love on my girl like crazy. she is a loving child and you can obviously tell she is loved and well cared for. but, i'm sorry, she can act like a little terror sometimes. and if i can't express how i feel about how tough she can be to handle sometimes then i really WILL go crazy myself. i feel like no one understands what i am going through. i feel like i am the only one who experiences emma fully. and then it makes me think i am doing something wrong as a mother if she is acting this way for me.

i need sleep. i am such an emotional wreck. i am driving steve crazy with my emotional outbursts and i don't want to hurt our marriage. but i need sleep. and he doesn't seem to get that it's not the number of hours. it's CONSECUTIVE hours. and i'm just not getting enough. he wants to be supportive and asks me to tell him how he can help. but he works and coaches and hardly has a weekend at all. i hardly see him enough as it is. and i know he works hard. so i feel bad asking more of him. but then i get frustrated because i do want him to do more and give me a break. he gets a break from his job. i don't. he gets to go and do something he loves outside of the home. i don't.

i feel like i'm going crazy. and my whole body is feeling it.