a work in progress

okay, i am going to try and start doing my best to watch what i say. i seem to have a tendency to say things that hurt people's feelings. i can have a harsh tone and when i tend to say what's on my mind, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

i'm not very good at interacting with people, it seems. spending all day, almost every day at home with two small children doesn't help much. and with a toddler, saying "no" and responding quickly to negative behavior doesn't help my censorship much. i've always worn my feelings on my sleeve. it is not hard to tell how or what i am feeling or thinking. but lately it has brought me some problems.

i have come to the point where i am inclined to just keep my mouth shut around people. or go one step farther and just not spend time with people. i don't like leaving somewhere wondering if i said something to upset someone. but that is who i've become. i've been told one too many times that i say hurtful things and now i feel like a bad person. and i know that i can come across harsh at times too. so when people say i've upset them at things that i didn't even expect, then i just think maybe i should stop talking altogether.

i am always worried that something i said or did will have bothered someone and that they are secretly upset with me. and then i occasionally get letters that confirm that very thing.

so i am trying to monitor what comes out of my mouth. it is rather tough given i'm a 'say what you mean' kind of person. but it seems that if i want to have and keep friends, this is what i must work on.

so for all of you out there to whom i have said something upsetting...please forgive me. and i can sure as heck guarantee you that it will not be the last time i do it. though i am working on it.

i am, as they say, a work in progress.

i want to win!!

MckMama is having a giveaway and I WANT TO WIN!!!

ooooh, i never win stuff, but if i were to be the luckiest woman in the world, this is the one i would want to win. my beloved laptop just died on me and i am currently using my husbands great find from craigslist from a guy who builds them himself. needless to say, it's pretty slow and wonky. so a brand new gorgeous computer would be just AMAZING!!!

*sigh*

i am crossing just about everything that i can cross in hopes of winning. yes, even my eyes. *ouch*

lord forgive me

i want to get rid of my dogs. bad. worse than that, i have, on occasion, had thoughts of harming them. i just can't handle two dogs and two kids and a house and being a good wife. i don't think i'm that woman.

i'd hate hearing emma call for the dogs if we ever did get rid of them. i'd feel so guilty.

but i want them gone. at least one. i'm going crazy.

i definitely need a punching/kick bag if they are to stay around. so that they do not become it.

i feel like such a bad person. but it's the truth.

a love poem for my girls

Kewpie Mine

I love knee and elbow dimples,
Wrist and ankle wrinkles,
Neck folds and Buddha-belly rolls
Pudgy double chins
And wide gummy grins,
Teeny tiny toes
And that cute button nose,
Precious sweet sighs
And even fitful cries,
Your squishy little buns,
The hairs on your head?
Every one.
Darling little baby girl,
My love. My world.

11/6/09

no fussing allowed

can i just say,

i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming; i hate the screaming!

not only does it wrench at my gut when my babies are crying, but it also drives me insane. i get all anxious and frustrated and helpless. now having two babies that tend to like to schedule their fussy fits together, i am finding myself on the brink of needing to be placed in a bright white jacket with sleeves far too long for the normal population.

and with emma sick, her fussing is at an all time high. well, almost all time...a few months ago was the super cranky, fussy, whiny, make-my-life-a-living-nightmare stage. but now it is coupled with not wanting to take her naps. and, rightly so, given she can't breathe very well through her red, raw, teeny nose. but still, i love her old nap schedule. i need her old nap schedule. this 'one 1-2hr nap' just doesn't give me time to both nap and/or shower and get stuff done. please tell me it is just a phase that will get back to normal once she feels better. that and her waking up in the middle of the night. we get on such a nice run of sleeping through the night and then seem to regress. i am hoping again that it is just the sickness messing her up.

i wish i had a 'mute' button on my hearing. i would love to just turn off (or at least way down) the fussing. i just don't like how it makes my heart speed up and gets me all anxious and crazy. i think it is the total downside of being an empath. and it is intensified as it is my children.

so, now that my eldest has stopped crying and actually seems to have gone down for a nap (though my youngest is now picking up where her sister left off), i am going to try and take a nap. yes, i know...i am attempting the impossible. wish me luck.

ashlan

we welcomed our newest little angel into our family on the 18th of september. i learned a valuable lesson that while being prepared for the desired outcome is a good thing, being even more prepared to have things go completely differently is even better. my little tumbleweed decided that she wanted to do a 180 turn and come out in the fashion of her mother...carried out. as in, "you want me to come out of WHAT? i'm not squeezing my beautiful head through THAT!" so my girl was born by c-section and i got to experience a whole new kind of birth story.

all in all, she came out perfect and beautiful and in her own style. while resembling her sister at times, she definitely has her own look. and that look in one word is stunning. i love my girl.

welcome to the world and to our family ashlan avery.

the artwork

so, i finished the artwork for the baby room today. i stayed up way too late last night getting the paint on the canvas and cutting the fabric birds out. then today i cut the felt backings for the birds and wings and sewed them together. then i glued them on the canvas and sprayed it all with a gloss finish. i am pretty pleased with how they turned out. and i love that it matches the fabric throughout the room.









the felt backing on the birds really brought out a dimension to the whole thing. i've always been a 3D kind of gal. i probably should hang them all closer together, since they sort of extend off one another, but i'll worry about that later. for now i'm just thrilled i'm DONE!!

you want me to push a WHAT out of me?

Weeks 37-Delivery (Month 9): Watermelon

At week 37, your pregnancy is considered full term, meaning baby is likely to thrive after birth. Baby spends these last weeks in preparation for the outside world… meaning careful refinement of the blink, suck, inhale and exhale. Meconium, which you’ll probably find in the first diaper, is accumulating in the intestines. If (okay, as) you worry about giving birth, consider what it’s like for the little one. During the journey out of your womb, baby will produce more stress hormones than any other time in life.
~

well, let me just tell you something...it does feel like a little melon is in my belly at times. particularly a melon that likes to kick down at my bladder at the most inconvenient times (wait...is there ever a convenient time?) making me have to rush to the bathroom only to squeeze out about two drops of pee.

i sure have loved this pregnancy. i've loved both of my experiences. i do feel smaller this time around which has been nice. my movement has been a bit better, i'm not taking 5 minutes to roll over in the bed at night, and this little belly has served as a nice bench seat for emma during the 18 hours out of the day she wants to be held.

i am in the final days down to having my beautiful little baby girl #2. i can't wait to meet her. it was such a special experience the first time around. i just can't wait to hopefully be even more present to this birth, now knowing a bit more about what to expect. i also hope all the arrangements to have emma looked after come beautifully into place. and finally, i hope that this baby does like her big sister and wait until nana gets here to make her presence into this world a reality. in fact, 5 days early was just wonderful for me the first time around...i'm good with that again.

let's just hope that life with two babies is a nice and smooth transition. i know it will come with it's trials, but i have learned that i need to improve upon my stress-handling capabilities. shoot, is that what god is doing to me? throwing me smack-dab in the middle of a stress ball situation and saying, "here, you said you wanted to learn to manage stress better. voila." well, he never gives us more than we can handle, right? RIGHT? HELLO????

oy. i need a nap.

"nubee's" room

over the last few months i have been preparing for the upcoming arrival of our little baby girl. now, our first daughter's room i decorated in pinks and browns. this time around i wanted to do it a little different. the room happened to already be a light purple, so i decided to go with a purple, brown, and green theme. however, i couldn't find any bedding i loved...or if i did, it was the super expensive type. so i decided i would try and make the bedding and decor for the room. mind you, i have never...i repeat, NEVER done anything like this before. i am a major novice when it comes to sewing. but, i am pretty pleased with how everything has and is turning out. i still have a few more things to finish up (like the artwork for the walls), but otherwise, i am pretty much done with the sewing components.

without further ado, here is the room!

voila!




the bumper, dust ruffle (didn't make the sheet); curtain (don't mind the clutter on the sill); pillow in the crib; bird mobile (more below)



bird mobile inspired by an idea i found at homemade by jill. i like my birds a little more squatty, so i altered the pattern a bit. i'm happy with how they turned out.



the blanket on the chair didn't turn out quite like i would have liked, but oh well. it has a green with small brown dot pattern on the opposite of the minky...it's also on the other side of the pillows. oddly, i didn't take a picture of that fabric anywhere. i put some trim matching the bumper fabric and then a satin ribbon like the bumper ties on the base of the lamp shade to tie it in. and then another close up of the fabrics i used. my favorite was the amy butler fabric i used for the dust ruffle, curtain, and blanket trim. and a little picture of the closet in progress. all i did there was add a curtain rod. big whoopie. ;)

now i am just hoping to get some things hung and finish the artwork before it's too late. and i am waiting to do her name art until after she is born. i'd hate to order something and then decide on a different name.

i am so excited to meet my new little girl!!

all this talk of food is makin' me hungry!

Weeks 33-36 (Month 8): Honeydew

Baby’s senses are continuing to improve -- when light peeks in through your (extremely) stretched belly, those tiny eyelids and irises blink and dilate. And, baby can now recognize and react to simple songs… time to start practicing your lullabies! Growth (at least inside your womb) is starting to slow, and you may notice baby descend into your pelvis at the end of this month.


my darling little daughter has decided that my bladder is the perfect place to be! she has taken a liking to kicking (and kicking, and kicking) down on my bladder, making it almost impossible not to pee my pants. aaah, the joys of pregnancy.

i am now pretty much at the stage where i am ready to get my body back, but knowing that will mean having to figure out how to balance life with a crazy toddler and a newborn has me happy to have her in my belly for a couple more months. but i sure am very excited to see what this little angel will look like. whether she will have the dark portugese skin like her big sister, or have the softer tan like me and the scotts/irish/welsh/english side of her gene pool. there is the ever slight chance she could have blue or hazel eyes (which would have me stark raving jealous), and the wonder of if her hair will be curly like her sister too.

we are still debating over a middle name. i still like the one i had in mind, but am coming up with some other options since the hubby wasn't as thrilled with it as i was. names are so hard. and girl names especially. so many names bring up images of girls i knew growing up and would rather not curse my precious child to their looks or temperment (just in case that is possible).

the baby room is coming closer and closer to being completed. the crib now has one coat of stain on the railing and hopefully will be sanded and have the second/third/whatever coat completed maybe, if i'm lucky, by this month. i have been working on more blankets and receiving blankets since i am done with the bedding and am getting rather carried away. i need to fix two of the birds on my bird mobile since they are sitting a bit back rather than on top of the branch. and i have one more coat of paint to put on the trim before i can really start setting things up. i can't wait to see how it all comes together.

i am soon to be a mother of two. wow. when did i get so old?

squash...well, that's how my midsection feels anyway...

Weeks 29-32 (Month 7): Squash
Average size: 15.2-16.7 in, 2.5-3.8 lb

Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

my little tumbleweed, as i like to call her, is moving around all over the place. i love the feeling of my baby moving inside of me. it is one thing i will miss when i am all done with having babies. there is only so much time in your life where you can enjoy the journey of pregnancy. and i have fully enjoyed both of my experiences.

i am very close to being....almost done with the baby room and decor. i have finished several projects and am so excited to get everything put together. just need to have the crib rail sanded and re-stained and then get that set up, paint the trim in the room, and a few other 'this 'n' thats' and we will be done!!! i sure hope everything comes together and fits perfectly.

i finished my bird mobile for the room as well. i need to upload the picture so i can post it. i am so happy with how it turned out. i love finding inspiration on other moms' craft sites. people are so clever.

just 10 more weeks to go!

my squirming little eggplant...

Let your spouse put an ear to your belly -- he might be able to pick up baby's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving baby a healthy pink glow. Baby's also soaking up your antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and baby will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.
~

i can't believe i'm already into month six. time has sure been flying by. i still move swiftly between anxiety and excitement about adding another member to our family. some days i think i can do it, and that the pure joy of a new little teeny, tiny baby will make it all perfect. then other days i look at my screaming little toddler and wonder what the heck i've gotten myself into. but i'm sure once our little angel baby is here all will melt away and i will be washed in the pure bliss of being a mother of two.

...and i think that bliss would be a whole lot more guaranteed if i could get rid of these two dogs of mine. but then, i digress.

i am hoping that all my little projects for the nursery turn out well and that i will be able to walk into her room with pride rather than seeing all the mistakes. we will see just how well i do with correcting all of them. steve is determined to make the crib work and doesn't want to sell it. he did point out a slight trend i seem to have.... i'm sick of the dogs and want to get rid of them. i can't get what i need for the crib and want to get rid of it. let's hope this trend stops with non-humans only...

working against me

well, i feel like i've been given blow after blow with my nursery room projects. i am just about to the point of giving up.

the craigslist crib we bought is pretty much impossible to re-stain. it needs a dye-stain which is hard to find, too toxic to use ourselves, and too expensive to buy anyway.

i screwed up the curtain. i still haven't gotten up the guts to try and finish it with the pathetic attempts i've been making at fixing it.

i screwed up the blanket. the 'fix-it' i came up with is WAY beyond my skill level, apparently.

i know there were some errors on the dust ruffle, but i have yet to see just how it fits given the crib is in above-said disastrous condition and still in parts.

the crib bumpers seem to be coming along fine so far. a little more squished than i had intended, but they look fine. and the pillows came out great. so those are my only shining stars right about now.

i feel like all i am doing is wasting the money i was trying to save us. and my pregnancy hormones are not helping right now. what was i thinking getting into this?!

cheap is not always easy...

so that wonderful wife in me that thought being thrifty and getting a crib off of craigslist would both save us money and make my hubby happy just fell flat on the floor.

the crib was in good condition, save the front railing, which had been teethed on to death. but 'all we needed to do' was sand it down and re-stain it with the espresso finish, right? wrong.

turns out i need a dye stain to get it to be as dark as the factory applied color on the kind of wood it is on. i've found one place that has dye stain, but he doesn't recommend it for a crib, given it's more for industrial/kitchen sort of stuff and pretty intense. plus, he makes large batches and it would cost us over $80. and no one has plain old wood stain that would match or be dark enough once applied.

so i tried calling the factory through the number found on the manufacturer's website. um...no answer, no machine, rang until it disconnected me i was waiting so long. crap.

so now i just want to sell the darn thing (hopefully at least get what we paid for it back) and get a new crib. which will bypass my entire original intentions of saving us money. and time. and hassle.

i am so not cut out for craigslist purchases. i am a buy-it-new-and-pretty kind of gal. i have had a couple successes with small craigslist purchases, but i think the failures sure outweigh the wins for me. at least this one does.

*sigh* what will the hubby have to say about all this? oh yeah, he's out of town for the whole weekend. great. i'll just stew in it.

screaming bloody murder...

the joys of a toddler. i have a little hellion angel who insists on screaming...or shrieking at the top of her lungs on numerous occasions throughout the day. i have been trying to do the 'ignore it' tactic, but i don't think it's working so well. i've tried to get her to tell me what she wants (using her sign language), and while that works, i still think it's giving attention to the screaming. it doesn't help that she's been cutting molar after molar the last month or so either.

and her behavior around her friends is really stressing me out. i feel like a helicopter parent, hovering around her making sure she isn't overly aggressive or causing another kid problems. she's all about the love...it's just really, really intense love. and it's worse if she's tired or teething. she grabs hold of the kid, pulls them really close and gives an open mouth...uh, kiss? i guess? it looks like she'll bite down (and does occasionally, i think) with the kiss. i've been working on 'gentle' with her forEVER now, showing her what it looks like, having her demonstrate, correcting when she does the aggressive stuff. but even though it may work briefly, she will inevitably go back to the psycho emma stuff. i don't want my daughter to be the girl no one wants around. even though she's doing all of it out of love and not anger, it's still upsetting to the other kids. please, please, PLEASE grow out of it, baby girl!!!

i feel like i'm at a strange place in my parenting. i have no clue what i'm doing and am so afraid i am unknowingly reinforcing or even (god forbid) teaching these behaviors in other circumstances that she is applying elsewhere. i just don't know how to change all of this!! i try so hard to correct and re-direct her. but what if i'm missing some key to this issue that could solve all of my woes?!

<---enter censorship chip here

i feel like, perhaps, i am in need of some sort of self-censor device. i don't know what happened, or when it happened that i became a mean person; but somehow it seems like that is what i am. at least sometimes. it is a bit confusing sometimes when one day i'm told how loving and generous and wonderful i am, but another day told how rude and inconsiderate i am. i'm starting to feel like i'm the latter.

i've always been a bit of an open book. whatever emotion i am experiencing, it is pretty much visible to anyone within a 5 mile radius. i'm just not good at faking it. and the idea of lying to appease someone has never appealed to me either. for example: saying, "oooh, i just LOVE it" to a meal/gift/whatever, when you really don't, means that they might make it/give it/whatever to you again. now, i'm not saying that i would flat out say i don't like it; but i'm sure my face is having trouble showing anything but my true feelings.

i am not good with new experiences that are out of my comfort zone, being cordial around people i don't like, sucking it up and getting over it. i'd rather stay home than do something that i'm not going to enjoy. especially since i seem to have no ability to mask how i am feeling about how horrible i think whatever we are doing is.

so, i am wondering what the true motivation behind that all is. maybe i am being selfish. maybe i'm just rationalizing my rudeness behavior by saying that i'm saving them time and money if i tell them the truth. yep, i guess that's it. i'm a selfish bitch.

and how embarrassing it is to have someone point out how 'rude' i'm being simply by some expression i have on my face. makes me just want to go home, crawl in bed, and cry. and never go out and see anyone again so that i don't either insult someone or embarrass someone i am with.

maybe i need to schedule myself a lobotomy and in turn become a perma-smile, sweet-as-cheesecake sort of person who never has a bad thought about anyone or anything ever. anyone have any good doctor recommendations?

my baby, the papaya

wow. having the size of my baby translated into fruit is just an interesting concept. it sure provides me with a vivid mental image of what is inside of me. that, and it just plain makes me hungry.

i have started to feel little 'nubee' kicking more and more. well, still more of the fluttering, but i imagine stronger kicks are coming very soon. i am hoping 'nubee' is more laid back than emma, but when i look at my husband, something tells me i am in for another active child. c'est la vie. at least my first darling emma bee is a bundle of pure joy. her zest for life is truly inspiring. and exhausting.

i am amazed that 23 weeks have gone by so quickly. that i am already past the half way mark astounds me. i am full of both excitement and utter anxiety. i see my friend coping with a toddler and a newborn with amazing grace and joy and that really gives me inspiration and hope. then again, i think my friend is a bit more positive than i am in just about everything...so maybe i'll be a blubbering idiot with no clue and crazed fits of hysteria. we'll just have to wait and see. i'm striving for the zen state of mind, personally. *crosses fingers*

the transition...

so, i'm thinking about making the big transition. away from my livejournal account and over to the blogspot. not that i journal much anyway, but this just seems to be a nice interface. so...let's see if i am ready to jump on the bandwagon and make the move.

can i handle it? can i? huh?

p.s. given it's been over a year since my last/first/only post on here...this should be interesting...